This past weekend I attended a dinner party for my best friend’s birthday. We went to a charming little tapas restaurant and ate many delicious and wonderful things. I believed myself to be in the company of friends until I was thrown under the bus by the birthday girl’s husband. The party quickly devolved into mayhem. People were shouting insults and re-evaluating friendships. Why? Because I don’t like Oreo cookies.
That’s right. I said it. I DO NOT LIKE OREO COOKIES. Because they are awful and gross. I believe the phrase “stupid little cancer pucks” may have been bandied about at one point. The thing is this; I had no idea people were that passionate about Oreos! But they are. Oh dear god, they are. I’m pretty sure the list of topics to avoid discussing in social situations should now read: Religion, Politics and Cookie Preferences. In a party of ten people I was literally the only one who didn’t think that Oreos were heaven-sent. My friends were attempting to sway my opinion to their side:
“But have you dunked them in milk? You HAVE to dunk them in milk!”
“What about the other flavors? Strawberry? Chocolate Mint?”
“Double stuffed! What about double stuffed?!”
The problem is that no matter what form Oreos take, they are still sub-par cookies made of shitty chocolate with a disgusting, gritty shortening type filling. I find it shocking that apparently nobody has realized this yet. Why do people like these horrible cookies?!? Cookies should be delicious. Oreos are not. Cookies should not contain chemicals. Oreos do. Cookies should not make people angry. Oreos make people want to punch each other in the face. Clearly this is not a cookie I can stand behind.
So I ask you this: What the fuck is up with Oreos?
Oh, and can we still be friends?