And Baby Makes Five

I think it’s about time for a completely pointless pregnancy post.  I haven’t really blogged about this pregnancy yet.  I think that’s largely because I’m not entirely sure what to say.  I mean, one on hand I’m pregnant and that sort of thing does take over your life to a certain extent.  No more self medicating relaxing with a bottle of wine at the end of the day.  No more steaming hot baths.  No more eating raw tuna while sky diving.  It’s really a lot of major lifestyle changes all at once.  On the other hand, I’m so busy with my two funny, crazy boys that it’s easy to forget what my body is doing until all of a sudden I’m ready to pass out at 7pm each night and wondering what the heck my problem is.  Oh right…it’s a fetus!   They really are demanding little creatures sometimes.  Allow me to explain in great detail.  Here’s pretty much how the first half of my pregnancy has gone:

Positive Pregnancy Test: YAY!!!!!!  Little Embryo is all sweetness, cuddles and daydreams.  Or so you think.

5 weeks – 10 weeks Pregnant: Oh, you thought you were going to wait 3 hours between meals?  Not unless you’d like to be slapped with a wave of nausea that would bring a burly Viking sailor to his knees.  Also, you’re only allowed to eat stale goldfish crackers while sitting in an easterly wind.  The crackers are fresh?  Dry Heaves!!  The wind is coming from the west?  You’re a moron for even trying to eat.  You think you might want saltines instead?  Too bad, you’re not in charge of your stomach anymore.  Your organs are traitors.  They’ve sold out to the power of the baby.

10 weeks – 14 weeks Pregnant: You can eat!  Food!  Real food!  But only certain food.  Not all food, of course.  The baby is still flexing his/her influential muscle, just to make sure everyone knows whose boss.  You can’t smell, touch, cook or even look at chicken but you will NEED to eat chicken fajitas with tons of guacamole on them immediately or you might die.  They must appear magically right when you want them or the deal is off.  Babies are thugs.

14 weeks – 18 weeks Pregnant: BOOBS.  Holy freaking boobage.  Go to bed at night as a happy C cup.  Wake up in the morning with painful, throbbing D cups.  Do not be fooled.  This is not a gift.  This is a total mind fuck.  Boobs should not be able to grow that fast but they DO.  Seems like a perk right?  Magic boobs!  Awesome!  Except for a few minor details: 1) They hurt like a sonofabitch.  2) Your boobs might look pretty sexy all on their own but perched up there above your is-that-a-baby-or-does-that-bitch-need-to-lay-off-the-bagels bump they just contribute to the overall awkwardness of your current physique.  3) All your bras are rendered useless.  And it hurts to wear them anyway.  So you stay home and wander around sore and braless – which is exactly as great as it sounds.  Especially when you have two and three year-old boys cannon balling themselves into your body throughout the day.  Yeah…Ouch.  Babies are devious.

18 weeks – 19 weeks Pregnant: Questions, Speculation and Clothes that don’t Freaking Fit.  Have we chosen a name for the baby yet?!  Nope!  We don’t have a clue who this baby is let alone what he/she should be called for his/her entire life.  Also, I’m a Taurus and my husband is a Leo.  To say that we both have strong opinions is putting it mildly.  Seriously.  Go put a bull and a lion in the same room and tell me how it goes.  Bottom line, it’s really a good thing that babies need to gestate for so long otherwise we’d be screwed.

Next up is the whole “boy or girl” question.  What’s funny about this one is how everyone has an opinion and NOBODY actually knows.  I can’t tell you how many people have told me the sex of my baby even though that information is yet to be discovered.  My favorite is when people start telling me that “statistically” my baby must be a…whatever.  During my first pregnancy the baby was definitely a girl.  Statistically it had to be a girl because my husband is the only boy in his family so we clearly weren’t going to be having a boy.  Then during my second pregnancy I was statistically guaranteed to have a girl because there was just no way on earth I could have two boys.  Well, two boys later apparently I’m now statistically certain to have another boy. (Are you sick of the word statistically yet?  Do you kind of want to punch me in the face?  Good.  Then I’ve made my point.)  The devilish glee people seem to feel when telling me this is honestly pretty shocking.  They’re so sure I want a girl yet they apparently have no problem dashing those dreams by smirking and saying, “You know it’s going to be a boy, right?”  Actually, no, I don’t.  I don’t know it’s going to be a boy.  I know it’s going to be a baby.  A human baby.  And that’s really all anyone knows at this point.  While I do think it would be fun to have a daughter, in all honesty, I’m a bit nervous about the idea!  I’m so used to life with my boys that the idea of adding a girl to the mix is a little strange.  However I’m sure it’s nothing that decorating a girly nursery and doing some long-awaited baby girl clothes shopping wouldn’t cure.

Finally, the clothing situation. Ugh.  UGH.  I’m still very much in the aforementioned “baby or bagels” phase and I just look…chubby.  It’s pretty depressing and borderline impossible to dress.  My regular clothes still fit, I just look fatter in them.  My maternity clothes are still a little big and maybe this baby IS a girl because suddenly I hate ALL OF THEM and I have NOTHING TO WEAR.  We’ve already seen how this baby can manipulate my opinions on food, maybe opinions on clothing are part of the deal too.  I don’t know.  Babies are crazy and their influence knows no bounds.

As of today we’re two weeks away from finding out the sex of our baby.  (Fingers crossed he/she isn’t shy about showing us the goods on ultrasound.  He/she is more than welcome to be shy about his genitalia afterwards though. In fact that would be ideal.)  We are so excited.  This has been a really great pregnancy so far.  A couple of weeks ago I started feeling the baby move and that is always amazing and reassuring.  Laying down in bed at night, being quiet and still and just waiting for those little bumps and kicks is so fun.  I love how the baby already shows a little spunk by kicking and bumping any time I rest things on my belly.  I deliberately prop my kindle up on my lower belly just to feel those bossy little kicks.  They make my heart happy.

Another thing that makes my heart happy?  This baby’s taste in food.  I told my bff that I think this baby might just be my favorite one yet because he/she has great taste in food – now that I’m allowed to eat.  This baby seems to want either Mexican, Chinese or Thai food at all times.  This works for me.  In a BIG way.  And while we’re on the topic here, can someone please explain to me why there is no tamale delivery service in Texas?  I feel fairly confident that Texans eat just as many tamales as they do pizzas.  We have pizza delivery.  WHERE ARE THE TAMALES?!?!?!

4 thoughts on “And Baby Makes Five

  1. Pingback: A Special Kind of Crazy | rachellepayton

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