Once upon a time, there were two adorable boys sitting at a kitchen table eating breakfast. The boys were cute. Very cute. And still quite young, only 2 and 3 years old. Their names were Max (the three year old) and Mason (the two year old). Because of their cuteness, their youth and the fact that they were supposed to be eating breakfast quickly before preschool, their mother was not at all prepared for the conversation Max initiated. It went a little something like this…
Max: Mommy? How does Baby Marleigh come out of your tummy?
Me: Well, when she’s big enough she’ll be born. Then she’ll be out!
Max: Yes, but…how does she GET out? Like all the way out?
Me: Oh. Ummm…well…mommies have a special part of their body for babies to be born from. So when it’s time, she’ll just come out of that part.
Max: Ok…so…will she crawl up your throat and come out of your mouth to be born?
Me: (WHAT. THE. FUCK. That’s…terrible. Like I’m going to just cough up a baby one day?! That’s possibly the ONLY thing I can think of more traumatic than vaginal birth! Although, it IS kind of funny. And really, he’s smart to think of that since he believes that the baby is in my tummy and he knows that throats connect to tummies, blah blah blah…)
Haha! Well, no. She will definitely NOT do that. That’s just not something that is possible for babies.
Mason: …or safe!!
Me: (laughing…a LOT.) Yeah, you’re right Mason. It probably wouldn’t be very safe for babies to be born through throats and mouths.
Mason: Yeah. I know.
Max: So then how will she be born?
Me: You know how I said that mommies have a special body part for babies to come out? Well, she will just come out of there when it’s time. (Seriously?! Am I going to have to talk about vaginas at breakfast?! We’re leaving for school in five minutes. What if he goes to school and starts telling all his friends about vaginas? Will all the parents be mad? Will his teacher wonder what the hell we’re talking about at home? Where the hell is their Dad?!?!?!)
Max: Ok. So maybe you mean she’ll come out of something else, like…your belly button?
Me: (Realizing the kid is serious. He will not be put off any longer.) No honey, not my belly button. Though I can see why you think that might make sense. *sigh* Actually, you know how you have a penis and mommy does not?
Me: Well, the part that mommies have instead of a penis…that’s for having babies. That’s where the babies come out.
Max: OH!! You mean the black part?!
(I’d like to interject here. I’m a natural brunette. I DO keep certain things, ummm landscaped but I’m not so much a full brazilian wax kind of gal. So, reading between the lines, perhaps you can see where he was going with that little comment…*ahem*….pardon me while I die a little inside…)
Me: (utterly defeated) Yes, you’re right. The black part. That’s where the babies come out. (How is “the black part” better than vagina? I should have just said, VAGINA! Now he’s going to be referencing pubes at school instead of genitalia. Great.)
Mason: Mama? Did you put yogurt in my lunchbox?!
Me: Yes. And I put bourbon in mine. Now go find your shoes.
And that is how NOT to explain childbirth to your preschooler.