Wherein I Do Not Cough Up A Baby

Once upon a time, there were two adorable boys sitting at a kitchen table eating breakfast.  The boys were cute.  Very cute.  And still quite young, only 2 and 3 years old.  Their names were Max (the three year old) and Mason (the two year old).  Because of their cuteness, their youth and the fact that they were supposed to be eating breakfast quickly before preschool, their mother was not at all prepared for the conversation Max initiated.  It went a little something like this…

Max:  Mommy?  How does Baby Marleigh come out of your tummy?

Me:  Well, when she’s big enough she’ll be born.  Then she’ll be out!

Mason: Yeah!

Max:  Yes, but…how does she GET out?  Like all the way out?

Me:  Oh.  Ummm…well…mommies have a special part of their body for babies to be born from.  So when it’s time, she’ll just come out of that part.

Max:  Ok…so…will she crawl up your throat and come out of your mouth to be born?

Me:  (WHAT. THE. FUCK. That’s…terrible.  Like I’m going to just cough up a baby one day?!  That’s possibly the ONLY thing I can think of more traumatic than vaginal birth!  Although, it IS kind of funny.  And really, he’s smart to think of that since he believes that the baby is in my tummy and he knows that throats connect to tummies, blah blah blah…)

Haha!  Well, no.  She will definitely NOT do that.  That’s just not something that is possible for babies.

Mason: …or safe!!

Me: (laughing…a LOT.)  Yeah, you’re right Mason.  It probably wouldn’t be very safe for babies to be born through throats and mouths.

Mason:  Yeah.  I know.

Max:  So then how will she be born?

Me:  You know how I said that mommies have a special body part for babies to come out?  Well, she will just come out of there when it’s time.  (Seriously?!  Am I going to have to talk about vaginas at breakfast?!  We’re leaving for school in five minutes.  What if he goes to school and starts telling all his friends about vaginas?  Will all the parents be mad?  Will his teacher wonder what the hell we’re talking about at home?  Where the hell is their Dad?!?!?!)

Max:  Ok.  So maybe you mean she’ll come out of something else, like…your belly button?

Me: (Realizing the kid is serious.  He will not be put off any longer.)  No honey, not my belly button.  Though I can see why you think that might make sense.  *sigh* Actually, you know how you have a penis and mommy does not?

Max: Yeah.

Me:  Well, the part that mommies have instead of a penis…that’s for having babies.  That’s where the babies come out.

Max: OH!!  You mean the black part?!

(I’d like to interject here.  I’m a natural brunette.  I DO keep certain things, ummm landscaped but I’m not so much a full brazilian wax kind of gal.  So, reading between the lines, perhaps you can see where he was going with that little comment…*ahem*….pardon me while I die a little inside…)

Me: (utterly defeated) Yes, you’re right.  The black part.  That’s where the babies come out.  (How is “the black part” better than vagina?  I should have just said, VAGINA! Now he’s going to be referencing pubes at school instead of genitalia.  Great.)

Max: Ok!   

Mason: Mama?  Did you put yogurt in my lunchbox?!

Me: Yes.  And I put bourbon in mine.  Now go find your shoes.

And that is how NOT to explain childbirth to your preschooler.

Roller Coaster

Things That Have Brought Me To Tears Recently:

  • Feeling overwhelmed by my children.
  • Hearing Edge of Glory by Lady Gaga on the radio.
  • Seeing my weight on the scale at my last two midwife appointments.
  • An episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
  • The inexcusable lack of baby bedding in the specific coral color I’m envisioning.
  • Feeling too old and mom-ish to even consider attending Bonnaroo.
  • Noticing, yet again, that my floors only look clean for about six minutes after I’ve cleaned them.  There is no discernible difference between ten minutes or ten days worth of messiness.  It makes me feel defeated.  By tile.  What the fuck.
  • Realizing that the baby is due in about 10-ish weeks and literally nothing is done in her room.  NOTHING.
  • Seeing mayflies outside.  They are the harbingers of doom.  Once you see a mayfly you know the rest of the bugs are on their way.
  • That poor, poor dead basil plant in the garden.
  • That “Slow Burn” yoga class that I thought was going to be fairly easy.  It wasn’t.
  • Craving a hot fudge sundae from Dairy Queen and feeling too tired, lazy and guilty to go get it.
  • Feeling dumb for crying about dumb stuff.


Things That Have Made Me Want To Punch Someone In The Face Recently:

  • Feeling disrespected by someone via text.
  • Approximately 94% of all things posted on Facebook.
  • The absolutely disgusting smoothie I bought after a work out.  Like drinking strawberry chalk except I got to pay $6 for it.  Yup.  Still angry.
  • GMO’s.
  • Ordering a newly advertised sandwich at Whole Foods for lunch only to be told that it wasn’t ready and they couldn’t make it for me.  Never mind all the signs throughout the store touting its awesomeness.  Whole Foods should know better than to tease pregnant women like that.  Get your shit together WF.
  • Being elbowed in the stomach by all three of my children simultaneously.
  • Doc McStuffins.
  • The article I read about “optimum child spacing”.  Complete and Utter Bullshit.
  • The song Midnight City by M83.  If I hear that damn song one more time…
  • Listeria.  I want to eat a ridiculous amount of lox and the fear of contracting listeriosis is the ONLY thing standing in my way.
  • All drivers other than myself.


Things That Have Made Me Insanely Happy Recently:

  • Chocolate milk.
  • Yoga.
  • Listening to my boys chatting and playing together.
  • Watching my husband happily and patiently playing catch with the boys after a long day at work.
  • A new chocolate cupcake recipe.
  • That half glass of chardonnay I drank over the weekend.
  • The boys’ new found love for “basparagus”  (translation: asparagus)
  • Finally very nearly perfecting my friend’s epic roast chicken recipe.
  • Watching Max’s eyes light up when he felt Baby Marleigh move.
  • Bacon-wrapped Dates.
  • A batch of biscuits that turned out PERFECTLY.
  • Reminiscing about my first date with the Hubs.
  • The song Tribute by Tenacious D.
  • Being able to hold my yoga poses longer than the uber-fit, incredibly muscular guy behind me in class.  I know it’s not a competition but my clumsy, pregnant self felt damn good about it.  Damn good.
  • Watching my crazy baby girl wriggle in my belly.  So freaky.  So glad she’s happy and healthy in there.
  • My perfect blood pressure.  I’m like the Michael Phelps of blood pressure.  I own that shit.