Wherein I Piss Off Everyone

Did you know that all my friends are doing it wrong?

Doing what wrong?  Everything.  They are all doing everything wrong.  All the things that people do are being done completely wrong by everyone I know.

How do I know this?  Because Facebook tells me so.

I find this incredibly shocking because I was under the impression that I knew a lot of really nice, smart, kind, fun and just generally awesome people.  I mean, I feel like we’re all friends with each other because we see the good in each other.  Or maybe because we have shared experiences that brought us closer together; life as roommates, meeting on the internet and finding common ground, traveling across the world, working together, laughing together, crying together. Maybe just drinking together?  (That is a definite possibility.)  Sharing our uniquely human experiences with each other and finding ourselves richer for it.

However it turns out I was seeing this all wrong.  I should have been looking at it differently.  I should have been noticing all the ways you do things differently from me and are hence doing them totally wrong.  Luckily, you have all been pointing this stuff out for me.  Saving me the trouble of criticizing you myself. See, all I have to do is scroll through my Facebook newsfeed in the morning while I drink my coffee to see all your faults.  “What faults?!” you might ask.  Fair question.  Let me list them for you:

Crossfit Friends: You’re working out wrong and you’re going to die.  Or at least end up paralyzed.  You should be doing something else.  At least that’s what all my anti-crossfit friends tell me.

Gym Going Friends: You are boring and your workouts suck.  You are nowhere near as cool as the Crossfit Friends and you should just stop trying…your workout of choice will never yield the results you want… or so say all my Crossfit Friends.

Vegan Friends: Your diet is ruining your body and all your hair is going to fall out.  Oh, and don’t even think about getting pregnant because you can’t possibly do that properly on your current diet.  I know because all my non-vegan friends said so.

Paleo Friends: You are a bunch of heartless murderers and you will die of heart disease from the obscene amount of fat and cholesterol you consume.  I don’t know why you can’t see that.  All the vegans see it perfectly.

Pro Vaccination Friends: You clearly care nothing for your children and love nothing more than to pump them full of chemicals and support the insidious evil that is Big Pharma.  Too bad you’re too dumb to question the status quo and do some research for yourself.  All the anti-vaxers are appalled at your behavior. What is wrong with you?

Anti Vaccination Friends:  You clearly care nothing for your children and love nothing more than to spread the plague around to everyone you meet.  Too bad you’re too dumb to understand that you should just shut up and do what the doctors tell you without ever asking any questions.  All the pro-vaxers are appalled at your behavior.  What is wrong with you?

Friends Who Still Eat Bread:  You are all going to die because GLUTEN.  I’m so glad all my grain-free/gluten-free friends were around to tell me!  Put down that bagel!  And don’t even THINK about eating pizza that was baked on anything other than a cauliflower crust!

And those are just the “easy” topics.  I’m not going anywhere near politics or religion.  However, you can rest assured, you’re all fucking those things up too.

I think you see the problem here.

We are ALL doing it wrong…for each other.  But I’m willing to bet that we’re all doing it right for ourselves.

I don’t know why we feel the need to “educate” each other on Facebook and online in general.  I’m guilty of it too.  I feel passionate about things like eating good quality food (as I define it) and trying to go easy on the crazy amount of chemicals we expose ourselves and the earth to every day.  I’m certain I’ve shared an article that rubbed you the wrong way or made you roll your eyes.  But I do hope that I’ve never made you feel that your opinion was less valid than mine just because it was different.  I feel like I’ve seen a lot of snarky sharing and commenting online lately and it has made me sad. Maybe that just means that I need to take a step back from “online” and get over it.  Maybe I need to toughen up.


Or there’s another option.  Maybe, we could all somehow be respectful of each others right to live our lives the way we see fit.  Maybe we could stop insinuating that others’ choices are dumb simply because we don’t agree with them.  Maybe we could decide to trust each others judgement.  I think its safe to say that none of us want someone else making our decisions for us.  (You’d be PISSED if I came into your house and took away your Oreos just because I think they are the worst cookie ever.)  So why do we think that we can make someone else’s decisions better than them?

Here’s the bottom line, I know a lot of really nice, smart, kind, fun and just generally awesome people and I don’t want to change a single thing about any of you.  Even those fucking Oreos.

Stuff and Things vol. 2

It’s been a while.  And I feel like this happened last year.  Months flew by and I thought often about my blog.  I wanted to blog.  I half-composed posts in my mind and in the end I did not actually manage to blog.  I think last year I used being pregnant with Marleigh as an excuse.  This year, I’d like to follow tradition by blaming her again.  She’s so busy and she has all these demands.  She wants to be fed at regular intervals, talked to, played with, kept in clean diapers…it’s like parenting fucking Beyonce over here.  Except there’s a lot more cuddling.  And not *quite* as many sequins.

Then the holidays happened.  So I completely lost a month in a wild haze of cookies, booze and online shopping. Oh, and love and togetherness and whatnot.

All that said, I think we need to catch up.  Here’s what’s been going on since I last posted:

  1. I’ve spent approximately two billion hours nursing my baby.
  2. The baby has grown.  A lot.  Like really big and really fast.  99th percentile for height – holla!
  3. I’ve told the baby to stop growing.  It’s not a race, Marleigh.
  4. My boys have become obsessed with swords.  They prefer to fight with each other but when I shut that down, they’re happy to go beat the shit out of our trees.  I assume Mother Nature is unimpressed.
  5. We attempted to grow a garden.  It was not a complete failure.  I mean, it was mostly a failure but we were able to eat a handful of veggies from it.  Also, if you need thyme, I can totally hook you up.  That shit is indestructible.
  6. Considered starting a support group for infant headband addiction but decided against it because I love decorating my baby’s head!!!!!
  7. Gave all my money to Etsy.  And Baby Gap.
  8. Was introduced to Bourbon Balls.  They’re the polite, Southern way to get lit during the holidays.
  9. Found out that storing leftover bourbon balls in the freezer is genius.  Now I  you *ahem* someone can sneak bites of chocolate covered bourbon when they’re putting away the leftovers.
  10. We saw two movies in a movie theater. This is practically unheard of since we started having all these babies.  It was fun.
  11. I may or may not have snuck mini bottles of Grey Goose into the theater.  It was daring and intense but I  totally played it cool.  Nerves of steel over here.
  12. Made homemade marshmallows for the first time.  It was borderline life-changing.  I will never go back to store-bought.  Never.
  13. Wondered if there is an ICU for plants. (Presumably in California?  Everything grows in California.)  My lemon tree needs to go there.  Stat.
  14. Watched my sons use real tools, sharp ones, for the first time.  I didn’t die of a heart attack.  Probably because I’m a total badass….OR I just didn’t have time to die.  Either way, success!
  15. Received at least four new bottles of scotch and/or bourbon because my family truly loves me.
  16. Bought a bar cart to hold said booze.  It’s cute.  Very Mad Men.
  17. Decided to slow things down for the next several weeks.  It’s time to invest in us.  Time is flying by and I don’t want to feel like I missed the good stuff because I was “busy”.
  18. Started thinking about planting the garden again.  Let’s see what we can kill this year!!
  19. May have started thinking about the theme for Marleigh’s first birthday party but will totally deny it if you ask…unless we’ve been hanging out by the bar cart…or the freezer…
  20. Have been endlessly thankful for my husband.  I still can’t figure out how I got so lucky.  He is nothing short of amazing.  (It’s ok, I’m done.  You can stop gagging now.)  But seriously, he is the BEST of ALL the people!!
  21. Discovered a new-found love for smoked mackerel.  No, I’m not kidding.
  22. Got a major haircut and managed to keep my husband from divorcing me over it.  I think we all know what this means; I’m really good in the…kitchen.
  23. Realized that the laundry will not truly be finished for approximately the next 17 years.  I have made my peace.