Valentine’s Day Explained

February 14th is Valentine’s Day and from what I can tell people are divided into three basic groups about it.

Those Who LOVE It: Flowers!  Candy!  Fancy Dinners! Gifts! Kisses and cuddles!  What’s NOT to love?!

Those Who Are Cool With It: Yeah, I will totally eat a pink frosted cupcake but no, I will not make out with you.

Those Who HATE It: Ridiculous!  Waste of Money!  Romance make me want to punch people!

Haters, your rage is showing.  Which is ok, I guess.  You are entitled to your ragey feelings.  You don’t have to like Valentine’s Day.  I just feel like maybe I can help explain why other people like it so that you can, you know, calm the fuck down.  Let’s talk through some of your complaints and see if we can’t find you a little peace, alright?

  1. But it’s so commercialized!  Hallmark holiday! Greedy greeting card companies…blah blah blah…

I get this.  I really do.  I get irritated about the commercialization of holidays too.  I hate when I start seeing Christmas decorations in the store when it’s not even Halloween yet.  Hell, I went to Target recently and they’re already putting up the Easter stuff and we haven’t even gotten through Valentine’s Day yet.  Absurd.  But here’s the deal; companies are in the business of making money.  They want to sell you shit.  Any shit you will buy they want to sell to you.  Case in point: cookie dough Oreos.  If that’s not some gross abuse of retail power I don’t know what is.  So when there’s a holiday that’s existed for hundreds of years coming up, you can bet your booty every shit-selling entity on the planet is going to try to get you to buy something for it.  Bottom line, you are not a rebel for refusing to buy Valentine’s Day cards.  You’re just someone who saved themselves three bucks…that you’re probably going to spend at Starbucks anyway.  Way to stick it to The Man.

2.  Why do people send flowers?  It’s so depressing when they die!

Come here.  Sit down.  Take my hand.  No, it’s not weird that I’m caressing your arm.  Shhh…  I need to tell you something really important.  Are you ready?

EVERYTHING DIES.

All the things.  Literally EVERY SINGLE THING dies.  Stars, animals, insects, every houseplant I’ve ever had…they all die.  And thank god because spiders! Ack!  That wine you’re drinking?  Dead grapes.  That book you read yesterday?  Dead trees.  The universe you live in?  Dying as we speak.  Here’s a cheery prediction from scientists for you, “…all the stars (will) have long burned out and the cosmos is a cold and dark place. Dead stars and black holes are all that (will) remain.”  Bottom line, if you are worried about some tulips dying on your desk at work you are definitely misdirecting your angsty energy.

3.  But I hate chocolate!  I don’t even like candy…

Then don’t eat it?  I don’t really know what to say here.  I understand that you would not like to receive a huge box of Godiva truffles if you don’t enjoy chocolate but to reject an entire holiday out of hand because some people DO like to receive chocolates is a bit silly.  You can’t just go around dismissing holidays because you don’t like some of the foods associated with them.  I mean, take St Patrick’s Day for instance, many people don’t enjoy corned beef but everyone loves leprechauns and beer right?  Ok, maybe not the best example but I think you see where I’m going.  Bottom line, skip the chocolate, drink the booze.  Problem solved.

4. Romance grosses me out!

What are you?!  A 12 year-old boy?!  Get over it.  Sometimes, when two grown-ups love each other very much, they give each other a special hug and that’s how babies…oh, sorry. Wrong explanation.  But seriously, if I need to explain to you why it’s ok for couples to be a little mushy and lovey-dovey once a year then maybe you need to sit in on the other talk too.  Do you need to write a love sonnet to your partner in order to take part in Valentine’s Day?  Nope.  Do you need to gaze into your partner’s eyes and whisper sweet nothings into their ears?  No again.  Do you need to stop caring whether or not other people want to do those things?  Yeah, you probably do.  Bottom line, just tell your partner you want to get laid and be done with it.  It only has to be as “mushy” as you want it to be…or as mushy as it takes to get them naked.  *wink*

5. But I don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse and this kinda sucks.

Ok, I’ll give you this one.  This is legit.  Because if you are single and you don’t exactly want to be or you just simply feel like maybe you’re missing out on all the flower-sprinkled chocolate feasting and smooches, Valentine’s Day can kind of suck.  I’ve been there and even though I was truly happy being single at the time I did still feel a little bummed about missing out on the festivities.  The way I look at it you’ve got three fairly constructive options.  Option 1: If there are children in your life (nieces, nephews, friend’s kids etc) join in on their fun. Make them a card.  Buy them a little treat or gift.  Better yet, go hang out with them and make heart-shaped pizzas or play Candyland.  I’m being completely serious.  It’s hard to be truly down when you’re debating whether or not Lord Licorice is a bad guy or just misunderstood with a four-year old. Option 2:  Party with your other single friends.  This can be as wholesome or ridiculous as you want it to be.  Spa night at your house with the girls.  Playing beer pong with your buddies.  A movie marathon featuring the Twilight movies. (I’m kidding.) Option 3: Make someone else’s Valentine’s Day a happy one.  Take cookies to an elderly neighbor.  Secretly send a card or gift or (gasp!) flowers to someone you know who’s having a hard time right now.  Buy people’s drinks at Starbucks pay-it-forward style.  Do something that you know will make people smile.  I promise, it will feel good.  Bottom line, don’t let your relationship status stop you from giving and receiving love.  Yes, Valentine’s Day is typically associated with romantic love but I think we all know that’s not the only kind of love worth having.

6.  What the hell is up with Cupid?!

I’m with you on this one.  Not compelling as far as mythological characters go and his more recent portrayal as an armed, winged baby is just weird.  Please feel free to continue directing your rage at him.  I won’t because I don’t want to get on his bad side (he is armed, after all) but you totally can.

Bottom Line…
Happy Valentine’s Day! XOXO

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