- Remember the Big Game is on five minutes after the official start time.
- Turn the tv to the wrong channel.
- Admire a bevy of Portuguese men while vaguely wondering what happened to the United States team.
- Realize there are approximately 90 ESPN channels. Go find the correct one.
- Check the score every three minutes while making lunch and cleaning the kitchen.
- Feel relief every time you see the score is still 0-0. Your team isn’t losing. Yet.
- Make yourself nachos for lunch in honor of the festivities.
- Realize that nachos are probably not World Cup worthy.
- Try not to be overcome with shame at your pedestrian food choices.
- Eat the nachos because they are delicious.
- Think lustful thoughts about cold beer.
- Giggle at the player who just ran into a referee and fell flat on his back as if he’d just been run over by an elephant. Notice that the referee just kept on going.
- Remember the Robin Williams bit about dramatic soccer players. Giggle about that too.
- Ponder the whole soccer vs football dilemma. You’ve always called it soccer, should you change now? The rest of the world calls it football which makes way more sense than calling American football football. But if you switch are you just a poser? Does it matter? Are you seriously still thinking about this?
- Feel disappointment but not surprise when you see that the other team has scored a goal while you were sweeping up an unimaginable amount of food debris from under the table.
- Realize that because there are no adults in the house to speak to you’ve basically been talking to yourself inside your head for an hour.
- Decide that talking to yourself for an hour is totally not weird if you were in fact composing a blog post. Now it’s just creative and not at all depressing.
- Make banana bread.
- Change the sheets on the bed.
- Start the dishwasher.
- Put the baby down for her nap.
- Play hide and seek.
- Read a book about bees while pretending you don’t fucking hate bees.
- Notice halfway through the bee book that the game is over and your team lost.
- Put the big kids down for a rest.
- BLOG THAT SHIT.
When you become a parent, you know that one of the biggest parts of your job is going to be teaching your child. You imagine singing the alphabet song, chatting about colors, sorting shapes; all those fun things that Gymboree charges you $700 per minute for. Of course you imagine teaching life lessons too. Talking to them about kindness, generosity and how to smile and nod at whatever asinine crap their boss says. But there are some things I never thought I’d be teaching my kids. You don’t realize just how many rules there are to follow in life until you have to teach ALL OF THEM to someone. Rules like:
- You can’t just send all foods you don’t like hurtling to the ground at dinner. You are not Andy Samberg. Throwing stuff on the ground is totally NOT funny when you do it.
- Speaking of dinner, standing on your chair in order to bang on the light fixture with your fork? Generally frowned upon in polite society. And here at home too. Cut it out.
- People don’t want you to lick their face. Usually. Err on the side of caution. Don’t lick people.
- Nobody likes it when you put peas in their wine. This is a universal truth.
- The same rule applies to golf balls and sangria.
- Actually, just stop putting shit in my drinks. I hate it.
- It is not necessary to lock everyone out of your bathroom just because you’d like to use a different one for a change. If you want to use another bathroom in this house please, feel free. You don’t need to test our lock-picking skills in order to validate your choice of toilets.
- Speaking of toilets, rocks do not belong in toilets. Ever.
- For the most part, people don’t like it when you “roar like a dragon” two inches from their face. This is especially true of three year old girls. Well, all girls really.
- It’s truly not necessary to hip-check everyone that you walk past in the hall. I promise.
- The cat does like to play fetch. The cat does not like to play sit-still-while-I practice-spitting-on-you.
- While we’re discussing the pets, I can assure you that you do not need to throw everything within a 50 yard radius into the koi pond. The fish do not want: sippy cups, golf balls, water guns, baseball bats, sidewalk chalk, tree branches or that large spatula from the grill. A handful of their food will make them quite happy.
- Swiping the cheese off someone’s pizza is a total douchebag move. Seriously. That shit will not fly. People with less self-restraint than your mother will punch you in the face for that.
I’m a bit of a nerd. Not a lot. Just a little. I lack certain key elements of nerdiness that keep me from claiming true nerd status. Things like: spare renaissance costumes, the ability to focus on computer games and – most glaringly – the ability to do math. But what I lack in long division skills I make up for in LOTR love and dvr’d episodes of Through the Wormhole. (Although Morgan Freeman may cancel out any nerd-cred that show has. I don’t know. I’m not sure how to quantify that without a calculator.)
Another facet of my inner nerd is my enduring love of legos. I have many, many fond memories of playing legos as a child. Building lego pirate ships, waging Lego vs Green Army Men wars, taking lego men on backyard safaris, being told to “pick up EVERY lego NOW!!” after a parent inevitably stepped on one…those were good times. So you can imagine my excitement last week when my brother and I stumbled across a little gem of comic genius starring legos.
Eddie Izzard + Legos = Awesome. That’s math, bitches.
If you find yourself wanting more Eddie Izzard, I recommend looking for his Dress to Kill show. The Death Star bit is from that show and the whole thing is seriously brilliant. Some of my favorites are: Star Wars Trilogy, Cake or Death (the lego version!) and Being Bilingual.