Watching the World Cup – Suburban Housewife Style

  1. Remember the Big Game is on five minutes after the official start time.
  2. Turn the tv to the wrong channel.
  3. Admire a bevy of Portuguese men while vaguely wondering what happened to the United States team.
  4. Realize there are approximately 90 ESPN channels.  Go find the correct one.
  5. Check the score every three minutes while making lunch and cleaning the kitchen.
  6. Feel relief every time you see the score is still 0-0.  Your team isn’t losing.  Yet.
  7. Make yourself nachos for lunch in honor of the festivities.
  8. Realize that nachos are probably not World Cup worthy.
  9. Try not to be overcome with shame at your pedestrian food choices.
  10. Eat the nachos because they are delicious.
  11. Think lustful thoughts about cold beer.
  12. Giggle at the player who just ran into a referee and fell flat on his back as if he’d just been run over by an elephant. Notice that the referee just kept on going.
  13. Remember the Robin Williams bit about dramatic soccer players.  Giggle about that too.
  14. Ponder the whole soccer vs football dilemma.  You’ve always called it soccer, should you change now?  The rest of the world calls it football which makes way more sense than calling American football football.  But if you switch are you just a poser?  Does it matter?  Are you seriously still thinking about this?
  15. Feel disappointment but not surprise when you see that the other team has scored a goal while you were sweeping up an unimaginable amount of food debris from under the table.
  16. Realize that because there are no adults in the house to speak to you’ve basically been talking to yourself inside your head for an hour.
  17. Decide that talking to yourself for an hour is totally not weird if you were in fact composing a blog post. Now it’s just creative and not at all depressing.
  18. Make banana bread.
  19. Change the sheets on the bed.
  20. Start the dishwasher.
  21. Put the baby down for her nap.
  22. Play hide and seek.
  23. Read a book about bees while pretending you don’t fucking hate bees.
  24. Notice halfway through the bee book that the game is over and your team lost.
  25. Put the big kids down for a rest.